Hi Sydney! I thought your first story was a very cute romance. I also really liked your descriptions of the jungle and the watering hole; I had no issue picturing such a pristine place in my mind. When reading your story, I was distracted by a few typos and grammar issues; here are the ones I saw
. When suddenly (just start the sentence with Suddenly)
Know doubt (should be "no doubt")
. Which Rama did love (Just start with "Rama did love")
however It did ("it" should be lower case)
his adventuress daughter (adventurous is a description, but an adventuress is a girl who adventures, so you could say "his daughter was an adventuress," or you could say "his adventurous daughter")
Sita's dream was finally coming true she (separate these into two separate sentences, or break it up with a semicolon)
Your descriptions were really vivid; the only thing that could make them better would be if you refrained from using some social dialogue words like "so" and "just" when describing things. ("he was just staring" could become "he was staring" and "Sita was so happy" can become "Sita was ecstatic")
Hi Sydney! Your story is so good! I like how you made Sita more sassy and less vulnerable. The opposite attracts aspect makes it more interesting to read.The story is also descriptive which makes it easy to understand the setting as well as what the characters are thinking. Have you thought about adding more dialogue towards the end or maybe adding more descriptive riding between the dialogues? I also saw a few spelling errors too. It might be helpful to readers if you clarify whether they are adults or children just because on some parts of the story they sounded like children on some parts. I figured they must be adults since you mentioned they got married. Is Rama still a prince in the story or does he just live in the jungle? I also noticed you described Sita's character but not Rama's. I'm wondering if this story is focused more on Sita than Rama. I also liked picture at the end. I look forward to reading more of your stories.
Hey Sydney! I really love your story! Your writing style made it so easy to understand and follow!. I really like how you made this into a love story. Love stories are so fun to read and they flow so well because it is such a natural thing to write about. I would really like to know what age these charaters are. While reading your story I pictured teenagers, but they could be young teens or older adults. I was thinking that they may be younger because of the culture factor and that they may have been able to get married at a younger age. I also thought that they may have been adults because Sita’s father was pushing her to get married, so she may have been a little older. Either way, the story flows so well and whatever age you choose will be great. You did such a great job! I cant wait to read more!
Hey Sydney, I just got done taking a lot over your portfolio project. First off I am glad to see that on your introduction page you gave us a little information about what the site was and what we should expect when moving to the first story you had written. This was a thing that I have recommended many others to do so seeing that you have already implemented it is great! Your story was well written and was in a layout that was easy to follow along with and read. Your author's note does a good job of laying out exactly what you had changed and how it relates to the original story. I think that you are doing a good job on this project and cant wait to see what else you have in store for us in the future! Best of luck to you in the rest of the semester
Hi Sydney, I think the layout of your portfolio is very simple and that is the way I like it. I could focus on your story because I easily am distracted. I loved your jungle story and the only thing I wish was that there was more. There is only one story, which is fine I just want to read more of your interesting stories.I loved the jungle pictures you picked out. I love nature and have been to a few beautiful places so these took me back. I think you did a great job at retelling the love story and making it more about love. I feel like in the real story that was missing. You could maybe add a picture to your home page just to give it more color and life. I wouldn't mind seeing another beautiful jungle picture there.I can't wait to read more throughout the semester.
Hey Sydney! Love the layout of your portfolio! very organized and simple to navigate. It was very nice to include a description on your introduction page to tell us little bit more about the site itself. I loved the jungle setting of the story and I will be looking forward to read more of your stories. your story was well written and structured very well. I think your doing a good job and keep up the good work!
Hey there Sydney! First, I wanted to talk about your portfolio. I think you could benefit from adding an actual image to your homepage. It looks a little bland with just a patterned banner. Maybe you could use an image that relates to you or one of your stories. As for your story, it was interesting to read, but I have a few comments. The first sentence of the fourth paragraph has an unnecessary comma. You should consider removing it and making those two separate sentences. The sentence after that, there should be a comma after the word suddenly. The fifth paragraph should have a period after father. In the paragraph that starts with "Rama Smiled", your quotation marks are all sorts of messed up. If it's the same character talking, you don't need a new set of quotation marks. If it's a new character talking, make sure you make it clear who is talking.
Hey Sydney! The first thing I noticed about your project was that there were not really banner pictures. They can really add imagery to your stories and make your site look more interesting! I would suggest searching "jungle" at pexels.com or pixabay.com maybe. The image you included for your story is beautiful and fit perfectly! I love how you made Rama and Sita's meeting/love more realistic. I'm glad they actually got to know each other and found common interests before getting married. When I read the story, it seemed to me that they were just children. So you might want to clarify that they were a little older or that they spent several summers together at the watering hole, growing up together. It's also interesting that they end up exploring and loving he jungle since this is sort of what they do in the Ramayana even though it was forced upon them. You've done such a nice job with your project! Keep up the good work!
Hey Sydney! I like your website title but I think the background image could be improved. It is a nice green color, but it might be nicer to make it a scene of a forest or something to set the tone of your stories. You could also use a longer snippet about the portfolio on the main page to draw people in. I like how you break up dialogue in your first story. It makes it nice to read and easy to follow. I also really like the picture for your first story and it really helps to set the scene for the story. Your writing style really helps to pull me in as a reader and I'm happy to have read it. I like how you changed the story to add a little more realism with Sita and Rama starting off a little rocky at first. It helps to add depth to your characters that seem a little too surreal in the original work.
Hi Sydney, I really like your website but you could make some improvements to make the site better! First of all, adding some images can do wonders for you! It will draw the attention of your readers and give them an idea of what your stories will be about! Pictures are everything, especially in a website! They help the readers from getting bored and keeping their attention! The added dialogue was great in your story because it allows readers to understand the characters in more depth, and it also helps readers really get into the stories and relate to the characters! You did a really great job and keep up the good work! I cannot wait to read what more you have to offer this semester! I hope you are enjoying the epics as much as I am!
I read and enjoyed your story! I have a few suggestions, which I hope you will find helpful.
When typing dialogue, you don't have to use quotes around each sentence, just around what is said at one time. Your story: “I did not mean to offend you, Princess Sita, I was just surprised to see someone royal outside of the palace walls let alone swimming in a waterhole in the jungle." "How about we start this again." "Hi my name is Rama. "What's your name?”
I would recommend, so that the reader is not confused and does not think that many people are talking, that you write something like this: "I did not mean to offend you, Princess Sita. I was just surprised to see someone royal outside of the palace walls let alone swimming in a waterhole in the jungle. How about we start this again? Hi, my name is Rama. What's your name?”
That way the reader gets the impression that Rama is saying these things all at once to Sita.
Overall, I loved the style of your dialogue. It is very conversational and easy to follow/visualize. Great work!
What a beautiful love story! My project also focuses on romance and I appreciate the way you told the story. Rama and Sita's relationship seems realistic with the way you presented the perspective. I think it would help if you separated the quotations into their own paragraphs so readers can focus on the dialogue more. Also, try proofreading another time because there are a few grammatical elements in your story that didn't flow as well as in the other paragraphs you wrote. I think it's important to keep things consistent. Overall though, great job! I look forward to reading more of your stories.
Hey Sydney! I just finished looking at your project website and it looks pretty good so far. I thought the content of your first story was really strong. You were able to keep me engaged in the story and able to keep the story interesting. Great Job!
The layout of your overall project is pretty good. There are a few things that i suggest you do. One would be great a better intro on your homepage with links to the stories. It doesn't have to be long but something to give the reader a preview of what they are about to read. Also, I would suggest maybe adding some picture or more color to your project just to make it more vibrant. Possibly even some background color to your stories. Overall, great job and I am looking forward to coming back and seeing what changes you make and seeing the finished product. Good luck!
Hi Sydney! You probably don't recognize me, but I am from the mythology and folklore class. At first glance, I like the layout of your project. It's easy to navigate, and I like the images you included in your first story. You may want to add something to your title page to make it more appealing to readers. Possibly some pictures that can help tie in all your stories that you are going to include!
I like the theme of your first story that you included about romance and the story of Rama and Sita. I especially liked that you incorporated dialogue; this really helps with the flow of your story. I would suggest proof reading your story because there were a few mistakes in your story, but nothing major. Overall I enjoyed the first story of your project, and hope to read more in the future. Good luck on the rest of the project!
I like the theme of your first story that you included about romance and the story of Rama and Sita. I especially liked that you incorporated dialogue, this really helps with the flow of your story.
Hi there, Sydney! I really love the simplicity of your project! It was easy to navigate and looks very nice! One thing I would suggest is to maybe use the photo from your story at the cover picture or to move it up a bit. I feel as though the image was so beautiful and would help your readers visualize your story taking place in real life. As for your actual story, I loved it! I think that the story of Rama and Sita is one of the best and it's so fun being able to read another version of it! I love that you included dialogue! Short paragraphs always make a story easier to read in my opinion. Overall, your first story is great and I can't wait to see what else you write! Are they all going to be love stories? Will you continue on with the same characters throughout? I am excited to find out! Thank you for sharing!
Hey Sydney! I really like your portfolio, it is nice and simple. I like how you have a small picture next to the “Adventures of India”, that is such a great and creative idea. I also like how you gave us a little bit more information about the cover picture you have in your first story. I think everyone should do that if it is a picture of some architecture or landscape. I really like the changes you made to the original story. It makes the story more realistic and something that would happen in today’s time. You always hear stories of people who are married and had a really bad first impression of each other. Not many people actually fall in love at first sight so I think this was a great change to your story. I also really like the elephant picture, mainly because I think elephants are awesome creatures.
Hi Sydney! First off, I really like the vibe I get from your portfolio. I love how it corresponds to the theme. In your homepage, I like how the banner image looks like leaves/a curtain of greenery, much like a jungle would. I also like how on your homepage you include a brief introduction to your story. The first thing I noticed when I clicked on your first story was how beautiful the banner image is. I like how you continued with the consistent theme. Will your stories continue to take place in different areas of the jungle, like specific places? I think that would be a really neat touch. THe one suggestion I have, is in this sentence, "So much life visited the watering holes, such as the elephants who," I know what you are trying to say, and I get the idea, but I would suggest rewording it. Instead, you could try, "Many forms of life visited the watering holes, from elephants... to monkeys." This is just a suggestion, it is great the way it is, but I think it would help in the flow of the sentence and it would also add intensity. Overall, your story is great and I love the detail. I look forward to reading more!
Hi, Sydney! So, to begin, I love what you’ve begun to do with your imagery. I think that this story has a lot of potential as far as this goes! I think you could add in even more colors and descriptions. Next, I like that you’ve set a personality for Sita. Could you describe what it is that makes her beautiful and what she does that makes her kind? I love that you have shown us that she is curious and adventurous. Later in the story, I love your dialogue. It totally sets the mood for the emerging love story. I like that you write in two different styles. One style gives us dialogue and the other gives us more of a view of whats happening in the characters minds. I really enjoyed reading your story and I am quite impressed. I look forward to reading more of your work! Jessie
Hi there, Sydney! I want to start out by saying that I love how you used animals in your story. I tend to use them a lot in my own stories because I feel as though it gives you full range of freedom on their personalities. You did a great job of taking advantage of this by adding in dialogue for your story. I am a huge fan of dialogue and, personally, don't think there is such thing as, "too much dialogue." I feel as though the more you add, the better the audience is able to relate and understand your characters. I think you did a great job in your authors note as well. You described the original story, how you wrote it in your own way, and why. This has become my favorite part of each story I read because each one of us is so unique and can come up with most creative versions of the stories.
Hey there, Sydney! How are you! I really like your portfolio, it looks simple just like the default setting and I really like that because my storybook home page is same like your. The other thing that I like about your portfolio is the image that was makes make me feel like I am in a jungle because of the greener picture you have on your portfolio. Now lets talk about story. I really liked your story especially the story of Rama and Sita because it was something new for me to read. I am Indian and I believe in Hinduism and reading same version of story is kind of boring so reading story like your just interest me. I also like that you include dialogue because I am a big fan of story with dialogue and I write my own story that has dialogue to. Any way keep it up and good work.
Hi Sydney! I thought your first story was a very cute romance. I also really liked your descriptions of the jungle and the watering hole; I had no issue picturing such a pristine place in my mind. When reading your story, I was distracted by a few typos and grammar issues; here are the ones I saw
ReplyDelete. When suddenly (just start the sentence with Suddenly)
Know doubt (should be "no doubt")
. Which Rama did love (Just start with "Rama did love")
however It did ("it" should be lower case)
his adventuress daughter (adventurous is a description, but an adventuress is a girl who adventures, so you could say "his daughter was an adventuress," or you could say "his adventurous daughter")
Sita's dream was finally coming true she (separate these into two separate sentences, or break it up with a semicolon)
Your descriptions were really vivid; the only thing that could make them better would be if you refrained from using some social dialogue words like "so" and "just" when describing things. ("he was just staring" could become "he was staring" and "Sita was so happy" can become "Sita was ecstatic")
Hi Sydney! Your story is so good! I like how you made Sita more sassy and less vulnerable. The opposite attracts aspect makes it more interesting to read.The story is also descriptive which makes it easy to understand the setting as well as what the characters are thinking. Have you thought about adding more dialogue towards the end or maybe adding more descriptive riding between the dialogues? I also saw a few spelling errors too. It might be helpful to readers if you clarify whether they are adults or children just because on some parts of the story they sounded like children on some parts. I figured they must be adults since you mentioned they got married. Is Rama still a prince in the story or does he just live in the jungle? I also noticed you described Sita's character but not Rama's. I'm wondering if this story is focused more on Sita than Rama. I also liked picture at the end. I look forward to reading more of your stories.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteHey Sydney! I really love your story! Your writing style made it so easy to understand and follow!. I really like how you made this into a love story. Love stories are so fun to read and they flow so well because it is such a natural thing to write about. I would really like to know what age these charaters are. While reading your story I pictured teenagers, but they could be young teens or older adults. I was thinking that they may be younger because of the culture factor and that they may have been able to get married at a younger age. I also thought that they may have been adults because Sita’s father was pushing her to get married, so she may have been a little older. Either way, the story flows so well and whatever age you choose will be great. You did such a great job! I cant wait to read more!
Hey Sydney, I just got done taking a lot over your portfolio project. First off I am glad to see that on your introduction page you gave us a little information about what the site was and what we should expect when moving to the first story you had written. This was a thing that I have recommended many others to do so seeing that you have already implemented it is great! Your story was well written and was in a layout that was easy to follow along with and read. Your author's note does a good job of laying out exactly what you had changed and how it relates to the original story. I think that you are doing a good job on this project and cant wait to see what else you have in store for us in the future! Best of luck to you in the rest of the semester
ReplyDeleteHi Sydney,
ReplyDeleteI think the layout of your portfolio is very simple and that is the way I like it. I could focus on your story because I easily am distracted. I loved your jungle story and the only thing I wish was that there was more. There is only one story, which is fine I just want to read more of your interesting stories.I loved the jungle pictures you picked out. I love nature and have been to a few beautiful places so these took me back. I think you did a great job at retelling the love story and making it more about love. I feel like in the real story that was missing. You could maybe add a picture to your home page just to give it more color and life. I wouldn't mind seeing another beautiful jungle picture there.I can't wait to read more throughout the semester.
Hey Sydney! Love the layout of your portfolio! very organized and simple to navigate. It was very nice to include a description on your introduction page to tell us little bit more about the site itself. I loved the jungle setting of the story and I will be looking forward to read more of your stories. your story was well written and structured very well. I think your doing a good job and keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteHey there Sydney! First, I wanted to talk about your portfolio. I think you could benefit from adding an actual image to your homepage. It looks a little bland with just a patterned banner. Maybe you could use an image that relates to you or one of your stories. As for your story, it was interesting to read, but I have a few comments. The first sentence of the fourth paragraph has an unnecessary comma. You should consider removing it and making those two separate sentences. The sentence after that, there should be a comma after the word suddenly. The fifth paragraph should have a period after father. In the paragraph that starts with "Rama Smiled", your quotation marks are all sorts of messed up. If it's the same character talking, you don't need a new set of quotation marks. If it's a new character talking, make sure you make it clear who is talking.
ReplyDeleteHey Sydney! The first thing I noticed about your project was that there were not really banner pictures. They can really add imagery to your stories and make your site look more interesting! I would suggest searching "jungle" at pexels.com or pixabay.com maybe. The image you included for your story is beautiful and fit perfectly! I love how you made Rama and Sita's meeting/love more realistic. I'm glad they actually got to know each other and found common interests before getting married. When I read the story, it seemed to me that they were just children. So you might want to clarify that they were a little older or that they spent several summers together at the watering hole, growing up together. It's also interesting that they end up exploring and loving he jungle since this is sort of what they do in the Ramayana even though it was forced upon them. You've done such a nice job with your project! Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteHey Sydney!
ReplyDeleteI like your website title but I think the background image could be improved. It is a nice green color, but it might be nicer to make it a scene of a forest or something to set the tone of your stories. You could also use a longer snippet about the portfolio on the main page to draw people in. I like how you break up dialogue in your first story. It makes it nice to read and easy to follow. I also really like the picture for your first story and it really helps to set the scene for the story. Your writing style really helps to pull me in as a reader and I'm happy to have read it. I like how you changed the story to add a little more realism with Sita and Rama starting off a little rocky at first. It helps to add depth to your characters that seem a little too surreal in the original work.
Hi Sydney,
ReplyDeleteI really like your website but you could make some improvements to make the site better! First of all, adding some images can do wonders for you! It will draw the attention of your readers and give them an idea of what your stories will be about! Pictures are everything, especially in a website! They help the readers from getting bored and keeping their attention! The added dialogue was great in your story because it allows readers to understand the characters in more depth, and it also helps readers really get into the stories and relate to the characters! You did a really great job and keep up the good work! I cannot wait to read what more you have to offer this semester! I hope you are enjoying the epics as much as I am!
Hi Sydney!
ReplyDeleteI read and enjoyed your story! I have a few suggestions, which I hope you will find helpful.
When typing dialogue, you don't have to use quotes around each sentence, just around what is said at one time. Your story: “I did not mean to offend you, Princess Sita, I was just surprised to see someone royal outside of the palace walls let alone swimming in a waterhole in the jungle." "How about we start this again." "Hi my name is Rama. "What's your name?”
I would recommend, so that the reader is not confused and does not think that many people are talking, that you write something like this: "I did not mean to offend you, Princess Sita. I was just surprised to see someone royal outside of the palace walls let alone swimming in a waterhole in the jungle. How about we start this again? Hi, my name is Rama. What's your name?”
That way the reader gets the impression that Rama is saying these things all at once to Sita.
Overall, I loved the style of your dialogue. It is very conversational and easy to follow/visualize. Great work!
Britt
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHello Sydney!
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful love story! My project also focuses on romance and I appreciate the way you told the story. Rama and Sita's relationship seems realistic with the way you presented the perspective. I think it would help if you separated the quotations into their own paragraphs so readers can focus on the dialogue more. Also, try proofreading another time because there are a few grammatical elements in your story that didn't flow as well as in the other paragraphs you wrote. I think it's important to keep things consistent. Overall though, great job! I look forward to reading more of your stories.
Hey Sydney! I just finished looking at your project website and it looks pretty good so far. I thought the content of your first story was really strong. You were able to keep me engaged in the story and able to keep the story interesting. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteThe layout of your overall project is pretty good. There are a few things that i suggest you do. One would be great a better intro on your homepage with links to the stories. It doesn't have to be long but something to give the reader a preview of what they are about to read. Also, I would suggest maybe adding some picture or more color to your project just to make it more vibrant. Possibly even some background color to your stories. Overall, great job and I am looking forward to coming back and seeing what changes you make and seeing the finished product. Good luck!
Hi Sydney! You probably don't recognize me, but I am from the mythology and folklore class. At first glance, I like the layout of your project. It's easy to navigate, and I like the images you included in your first story. You may want to add something to your title page to make it more appealing to readers. Possibly some pictures that can help tie in all your stories that you are going to include!
ReplyDeleteI like the theme of your first story that you included about romance and the story of Rama and Sita. I especially liked that you incorporated dialogue; this really helps with the flow of your story. I would suggest proof reading your story because there were a few mistakes in your story, but nothing major. Overall I enjoyed the first story of your project, and hope to read more in the future. Good luck on the rest of the project!
I like the theme of your first story that you included about romance and the story of Rama and Sita. I especially liked that you incorporated dialogue, this really helps with the flow of your story.
Hi there, Sydney!
ReplyDeleteI really love the simplicity of your project! It was easy to navigate and looks very nice! One thing I would suggest is to maybe use the photo from your story at the cover picture or to move it up a bit. I feel as though the image was so beautiful and would help your readers visualize your story taking place in real life. As for your actual story, I loved it! I think that the story of Rama and Sita is one of the best and it's so fun being able to read another version of it! I love that you included dialogue! Short paragraphs always make a story easier to read in my opinion. Overall, your first story is great and I can't wait to see what else you write! Are they all going to be love stories? Will you continue on with the same characters throughout? I am excited to find out!
Thank you for sharing!
Hey Sydney! I really like your portfolio, it is nice and simple. I like how you have a small picture next to the “Adventures of India”, that is such a great and creative idea. I also like how you gave us a little bit more information about the cover picture you have in your first story. I think everyone should do that if it is a picture of some architecture or landscape. I really like the changes you made to the original story. It makes the story more realistic and something that would happen in today’s time. You always hear stories of people who are married and had a really bad first impression of each other. Not many people actually fall in love at first sight so I think this was a great change to your story. I also really like the elephant picture, mainly because I think elephants are awesome creatures.
ReplyDeleteHi Sydney! First off, I really like the vibe I get from your portfolio. I love how it corresponds to the theme. In your homepage, I like how the banner image looks like leaves/a curtain of greenery, much like a jungle would. I also like how on your homepage you include a brief introduction to your story. The first thing I noticed when I clicked on your first story was how beautiful the banner image is. I like how you continued with the consistent theme. Will your stories continue to take place in different areas of the jungle, like specific places? I think that would be a really neat touch. THe one suggestion I have, is in this sentence, "So much life visited the watering holes, such as the elephants who," I know what you are trying to say, and I get the idea, but I would suggest rewording it. Instead, you could try, "Many forms of life visited the watering holes, from elephants... to monkeys." This is just a suggestion, it is great the way it is, but I think it would help in the flow of the sentence and it would also add intensity. Overall, your story is great and I love the detail. I look forward to reading more!
ReplyDeleteHi, Sydney! So, to begin, I love what you’ve begun to do with your imagery. I think that this story has a lot of potential as far as this goes! I think you could add in even more colors and descriptions. Next, I like that you’ve set a personality for Sita. Could you describe what it is that makes her beautiful and what she does that makes her kind? I love that you have shown us that she is curious and adventurous. Later in the story, I love your dialogue. It totally sets the mood for the emerging love story. I like that you write in two different styles. One style gives us dialogue and the other gives us more of a view of whats happening in the characters minds. I really enjoyed reading your story and I am quite impressed. I look forward to reading more of your work! Jessie
ReplyDeleteHi there, Sydney!
ReplyDeleteI want to start out by saying that I love how you used animals in your story. I tend to use them a lot in my own stories because I feel as though it gives you full range of freedom on their personalities. You did a great job of taking advantage of this by adding in dialogue for your story. I am a huge fan of dialogue and, personally, don't think there is such thing as, "too much dialogue." I feel as though the more you add, the better the audience is able to relate and understand your characters.
I think you did a great job in your authors note as well. You described the original story, how you wrote it in your own way, and why. This has become my favorite part of each story I read because each one of us is so unique and can come up with most creative versions of the stories.
Hey there, Sydney! How are you! I really like your portfolio, it looks simple just like the default setting and I really like that because my storybook home page is same like your. The other thing that I like about your portfolio is the image that was makes make me feel like I am in a jungle because of the greener picture you have on your portfolio. Now lets talk about story. I really liked your story especially the story of Rama and Sita because it was something new for me to read. I am Indian and I believe in Hinduism and reading same version of story is kind of boring so reading story like your just interest me. I also like that you include dialogue because I am a big fan of story with dialogue and I write my own story that has dialogue to. Any way keep it up and good work.
ReplyDelete